Love’s a funny thing. Modern love is even more peculiar. So says comedian, actor and now author Aziz Ansari. In his new book Modern Romance, he dons the anthropologist’s hat and, along with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, studies, collects data and reports on the mating rituals of people living in today’s day and age. Meaning, how does one ask for a first date over text? (E-mail? That’s so passé.) What picture do you use for your profile? Do you even use a picture of yourself? Ansari answers all these burning questions and more — hilariously. We asked him what it’s all about and more.
Funniest text I’ve read to the audience during my shows…
They are all amazing because it’s such a real, awkward moment. What’s most interesting is when people say it doesn’t matter what you text someone — “If they like you, they like you.” Well, I have scientific proof this is wrong. Here’s one of my favorite text message exchanges, which is in the book. I found this one at a show I did in Chicago. A woman gives a guy her sister’s phone number to set them up. It should be pretty simple, right? Here’s what happened:
“Hi Rachel! Since I never got a chance to ask you to dance at Marissa and Chris’s wedding, he and your sister gave me your number. I wanted to say hi and sort of ‘texty’ introduce myself. Haha ;) Hope you had a great weekend… hope to chat with you soon!”
As soon as I said “texty,” it was clear that no one sitting in the theatre at my stand-up show would ever f*** this dude in a million years. “Texty,” for whatever reason, seemed to be unequivocally disgusting to every one of us there.
He might as well have added: “BTW I have a really disgusting next-level STD! Haha, J/K, but for real I do.”
My texting turn-offs, regardless of who’s sending them or what they’re about…
It seems very straightforward, but just texting like a nice, smart, funny person who also has good grammar and spelling goes a really long way. You have a phone self and a real self and the phone self definitely reflects on the perception of your real self.
Text I’ve sent a woman I wish I had never hit “send” on…
“Hey, what’s going on?” That kind of text seems really innocuous, but after doing this book and reading so many women’s phones and talking to them, I realize how boring, uninteresting and infuriating it is. Women get so many bozo messages like that, and it makes people feel like they aren’t special, and that the guy sending it is a dud. As I learned doing the book, inviting women to a specific event at a specific time, that alone, was enough to make women’s vaginas explode. The bar is incredibly low, and when I was single I could have tried a little harder sometimes.
Texting etiquette — how long is too soon/too long to text someone after a great first date and how long is too soon to respond…
Each person has their own reactions to these things, but a little waiting definitely helps. But not too much. We can’t help but be attracted to waiting — your brain is at ease when you receive a response to a text. You’re trained to get that response at a certain time period, when you don’t get it, your brain freaks out. That person is now on your mind more, which can lead to attraction. But there is a breaking point where when you wait too long, people get turned off or think you are doing it intentionally. As far as length, I think we all know multiple texts/paragraphs scares the shit out of everyone. Keep it brief and be cool.
In the book I talk about the profile habits of various cultures. If I was single and didn’t use an actual picture of myself, what I would use as my profile pic…
This is a reference to Japan where people said men would use a photo of their cat or their rice cooker for profile photos. Me? I’d definitely use a profile photo of some pasta.
An emoji that shows two people cuddled up watching TV together for hours at a time. I’d send it to my girlfriend like this: [emoji]?
What I read while writing this book…
The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz. Alone Together by Sherry Turkle. Many others! I feel bad because I can’t list them all. And I’m lazy so I’ll stop at those two, which are both great by the way.
Tricks I employed to overcome writer’s block…
We did so many interviews with people and that always provided interesting fodder to write about. Talk to people and hear about their experiences.
If my Parks & Rec character Tom would ever ask a woman out on a date via text…
I shudder to think. He probably would just send just an emoji of a top hat and a % sign to seem mysterious.
Book on my side table right now…
Becoming Richard Pryor by Scott Saul. A Life by Elia Kazan. But I haven’t had time to read anything in a while.
